Made a wrong turn back there somewhere...

8-23 Some Things On Sunday | 6:55 Read

Ok, I’m going to warn you, this week’s email is a bit dramatic. When I wrote it, I was deep in a mood, chile. I feel a little better now and rereading it I’m like “should I send this, it’s almost depressing”. But I wrote it for a reason. I wanted to get it out. I wanted to be vulnerable. And I wanted you to know that if you’ve been feeling this way, you aren’t the only one.

Also, I think part of the reason I feel a bit better is because I got it out. So here it goes:

Something I can feel…

Lately, I feel like a loser. I feel broke, out of shape, lonely, and like everyone is doing better at life than I am.

And before you start with the "girl, you're being too hard on yourself" just let me have this moment because I need to.

At first this felt like life was just moving at a slow pace. Literally every project I’m working on and every goal on my list is something that will take a while to accomplish, at least until late in Q4. No instant gratification here.

But that super slow pace started feeling a lot like riding a bike underwater. Like I was pedaling hard and going nowhere. But here lately, it’s been feeling way worse than that in almost every aspect of my life.

Finances: I’ve been feeling like a brokie lately.

I accepted a job making a little over 50% less than what I was making previously but only because a. the job is really light work and doesn’t really interfere with my lifestyle and b. my living expense are very low so it’s good enough to cover the bills and get me and my daughter health insurance.

My main focus has been on getting out of debt. So the funds from my day job go to managing my living expenses and the money I make from my side hustles is pretty much all going towards paying down loans and credit card balances. Because I don’t want to amass more debt, I am committed to only buying this with cash. Well doing so has shed a glaring light on the fact that I really could not afford my lifestyle. Hell, I can barely afford it now…at least until I finish paying off this debt. Brokie!

Health: My gut is haunting me.

I was doing really great with getting back into shape. I had actually gotten into a very consistent workout routine and shed some pounds in February BEFORE I went to that fitness retreat in Thailand but being there supercharged my journey. I hit 174lbs in April which had me of the 180s for the first time in 4 years. When I left the retreat, I kept going and had made it to 169lbs!! My goal weight is between 155 - 165lbs.

There were two weeks last month where I fell off without even realizing I was falling off because it happened in small increments - skipping a workout one day, eating carbs for dinner another, and crossing my 2 drink limit another day. Next thing I know, I’m stepping on a scale and I’m 180 lbs. RUFKM?!? The scale went back to where it was before the fitness retreat. It took me 7 months to lose 15lbs and 2 weeks to gain 10. The math is against me.

Development: Todavía, no hablo español!
I set a goal to pass the DELE A2 Spanish exam by the end of this year. In order to do that, I’m supposed to study and expose myself to Spanish in some form for AT LEAST 15 mins every day, ideally at least 30 mins. Ask me how many days I’ve done that. Actually don’t. Please don’t. I don’t want to have to disappoint you as much as I’m disappointed in myself.

I took a practice exam a month ago for level A1 and barely passed it. Ya’ll I have been "learning” Spanish for almost a decade, how am I not farther along? Estoy muy molesta conmigo misma.

Lifestyle/Relationships: Chile, what lifestyle? What relationships?

I live in a city where I know a lot of people but I don’t have a lot of friends. I am so incredibly lonely when I’m in Tallahassee. It’s partly my fault. I spend A LOT of time in front of my computer and if I’m not there, I’m at the gym (well except for those 2 weeks I clearly was off my game). Unless I’m traveling, I’m not really doing much. I never know what’s happening here and no one really invites me to hang out. I don’t see this as malicious, they just already have their circle of friends and aren’t in the habit of thinking of me yet. Despite the reason, the outcome is that I feel slightly isolated, which is really tough for an extrovert. I get energy from being around people, and I don’t currently feel like I have many friends or much energy.

In general, I feel lost...

It feels like I was on a road trip to the destination where my goals resided. Somewhere along the way I took a wrong turn and ended up in “Meh-ville” - population: me and my bad decisions and the town tagline is “meh”. And you know what really sucks? Meh-ville is feel closer to where I started than where I was trying to go! Like, I didn't just get lost, it feels like I’m going backwards.

So now I'm sitting in this sad little town feeling like I should just accept that this is where I live now. Should I find an apartment in Meh-ville? Start dating the locals? Learn to love the one restaurant that only serves disappointment with a side of regret?

Of course I’m being dramatic.

My natural inclination is to think positive and take action. But for some reason, I don't want to. Not right now. I know it’s likely also your natural inclination to want to give me a pep talk or some words of encouragement. To that, I’d like to graciously decline but genuinely thank you for caring. You ever feel sad and someone tries to cheer you up but you’re like “eh, I really just want to be sad for a minute, can you let me do that?”

Normally, I would want to follow the logic to pull myself out of this. I’m a logical person. Right now, today, in this moment I want to allow my emotions the space that my logic always takes up. I just want to feel.

Now, this may all be solely due to the fact that I am deep into my luteal phase and more than likely experiencing hormonal micro-depression. In which case, my desire to let it run its course makes even more sense. I am no match for my body’s chemistry.

But maybe allowing myself to just feel these feelings will force me to slow down and really memorize this sense of malaise so I recall where I don't want to be again. Maybe it will allow me to be aware of my humanness and my flaws so I remember to be gentle with myself. Perhaps it will allow me to map the turns I took to get here so that I don't make these mistakes again.

So, you know what, I think I'm going to hang out in Meh-ville for another day. Have a drink. Feel my feelings.

I'll get back to being my usual "look on the bright side" and "you can wallow or you can work" self for next week's newsletter. I promise.

Until then, cheers from Meh-ville friends. Please don’t worry, I’m only passing through.

-Ya girl, Lib